


I am so pathetically in love with you, so please handle my heart gently.

by Mia_tae



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Passionate, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Skinny Dipping, Sort Of, Streaming, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Sykkuno is Precious, Very lovey dovey, Violence, Youtuber - Freeform, au loosely, bungee jumping, but has a lot of issues in this, by naught boy, corpse is oblivious, lyrics, rough, sweet corpse, very angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28480707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_tae/pseuds/Mia_tae
Summary: “We’ll take a piece of string and tie it to the end of our shoelaces.Our heads will touch the river and I’m gonna kiss you underwater”-/\-Sykkunno smiled brokenly, glancing behind him once more to take in his ex-lover, (could he even label it like that?); Corpse and his date before he left the room, hoping the night would take way his pain.
Relationships: Corpse Husband/Sykkuno (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 197
Kudos: 450





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone didn’t realise the lyrics in the summary is from the song bungee jumping by naughty boy. The whole song and it’s vibe is how I’d describe passionate and forbidden love that kind of hurts but also fulfills you.
> 
> That’s the only playlist for this story ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, please do not copy or repost this to any site, I want this to stay on this site.( if you do, i will find you and i will.....do something, somehow, okay? Good)
> 
> Please do not share this to any of the creators included in this story, it is purely fictional and very AU to be honest, the character development here is very loosely based off their online personas. This work is open to be deleted if any of the creators or related ask so.
> 
> I hope they never see this, if they do I’m deleting this work and myself off this earth.
> 
> Anyways grab tea and tissues and buckle in for the angst <3

“You know, you don’t have to take this? Or at least deal with it yourself?” Rae whispered softly, nudging Sykkuno gently.

Sykkunno smiled weakly, “ Of course...” he took in the two figures sitting on the couch, hands interlinked and bodies pressed against each other, both with blooming smiles on their faces and it made Sykkuno question, how many times had he made Corpse smile like that?

“-but we knew this was how it was going to end. I can’t blame anyone but myself...” Sykkunno replied, shaking his head when Rae tried to make a rebuttal, instead he tried to convince himself to look away from Corpse and his date that he had tagged along with him to their chilled house party.

There was no point torturing himself by reminding himself that the way corpse held her hand and stroked the back of her shoulder unconsciously was what he once did to Sykkuno, afterall they had agreed that their relationship was never something permanent, it was something to help them explore and understand themselves.

Some would argue that they had gone beyond just an unserious relationship considering all the promises they made and the feelings and behaviours that bloomed between them.

“....so, I’ll deal with this one myself ,Rae.” Sykkuno finished, chugging down the drink in his hand.

Rae mumbled in disagreement before snatching Sykkunos drink.

“You are both so irritatingly stupid.” Rae sighed before moving away after placing a firm and comforting squeeze on his shoulder.

Sykkuno couldn’t even find it in him itself to feel bad for causing such turmoil to his friends. They all assumed him and corpse were endgame or nothing at all. Sykkuno could see why, at one point he himself had thought perhaps he and corpse could become something real and exclusive.

The more he felt his heart flutter and felt his world tilt towards corpse every time he entered his vision, he really thought like at one point they would both fess up and confess and they’d live happily ever after.

Sykkuno emptily chuckled under his breath, god, how naive had he been?

Now looking back Sykkunno deserved the heartbreak he felt when Corpse called him over a few weeks ago, sat him down and explained their arrangement was over now because Corpse finally found the person he thinks was the best for him.

Sykkuno wished he could be bitter and spit out, what about him? Was he not any good for him? But as he watched Corpse glow and laugh in front of him with the love of his life apparently, he couldn’t argue with it. He clearly had been nothing but something to be used to cope with, not make him happy, he couldn’t make corpse relax like that.

He remembered all the nights he would struggle calming Corpse after a bad night.  
He remembered how pathetic he felt as tried to hold Corpse as tightly as possible, trying to hold him together as he cried into his shirt,the wet patch growing on his shirt breaking his heart.

Perhaps that’s when Sykuno should’ve broken it off, when he started valuing Corpse over himself. When he wanted to give up everything if it meant Corpse could be happy, if he could sleep contently, if he could go about his day without his thoughts eating away at him. He had become so dependent on Corpse, it was just him and nothing else that mattered, and Sykkuno knew that was unhealthy, but he didn’t care, because he let himself go.

He let the wave that was corpse wash over him and take him down deep deep into the ocean until he could no longer breath or think anything but corpse. Sometimes Sykkuno wondered how had he so willingly let himself commit to someone to this extent, especially one that used him as something to fuck and cry to, to vent to and pull himself together until he could venture out and find something he actually wanted. ( someone that would laugh so beautifully, hold him so tightly, bring him to his high so quickly, who cooked burnt pasta proudly, whose clumsy nature contrasted so endearingly to his deep voice -)

When had Sykkuno lost all the love and respect for himself, all for just one man?

Sykkuno had always thought he was a bit naive, but he thought he was a happy and secure person, but clearly not because the only thing he had learnt this past year was all he needed was one person to shower him with affection and he was willing to sign his soul away to the devil. He didn’t know he was so pathetic.

Actually, he didn’t know he was so broken.

Sykkunno sucked in a painful breath as he watched familiar lips press onto lips that weren’t his.

Sykkuno ignored the concerned eyes that tracked towards him, everyone clearly hyper aware of his situation, and wasn’t that just embarrassing.

Sykkuno felt like he was drowning, and not in a good way, not in the good way he would lose himself in corpse, he felt suffocated in an I’m on the verge of an attack way. This was all too much. Watching the man he had come to love actively falling in love in front of him and his friends concerned gazes on him all night made him want to run out, and so he left.

He grabbed his jacket off the couch and walked out the room, ignoring Raes’ call as he left the house, trodding down the pavement as tears stung his eyes.

Why was he so unlovable? What had he done so wrong that he wasn’t good enough to love ? Why was he just good enough to fuck, use or befriend? His whole life he had been nothing but being a punching bag for everyone else, always second choice to everyone and he couldn’t help but feel like he was below everyone.

Sykkuno cursed under his breath as his hands shook and he failed to insert his car keys again. He froze as a pair of hands grabbed the keys off him.

Sykkuno turned around, ready to dismiss gently thinking it was one of his friends, but it was corpse.

He stared into familiar brown eyes, ones that used to gaze at him warmly as he held him, but now they were just blank with confusion laced in them.

“Where are you going?” Corpse questioned, shaking the keys in his hand.

Sykkuno took a breath in and cleared his throat. “I just realised i had....a few things to do at home.” Sykkuno replied weakly.

Fuck.

”You just left your home?” Corpse asked, pointing back at the building, “You do remember you live with Offline tv right? and we just threw a chilled party that you left two minutes ago for no reason.”

Sykkuno almost wanted slap himself and laughed weakly. “ I meant my other home...um, my apartment or parents home.” Sykkuno tried to save himself.

Corpse cocked an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. That too, why was Sykkuno so fucking transparent, but clearly not transparent enough since corpse had no idea he was head over heels for him.

“Lying? You don’t lie Sy.” Corpse stated and that filled Sykkuno with anger.

What makes corpse think he knows him? He clearly didn’t know him well enough if he couldn’t even discern that Sykkuno was ripping himself over him. He didn’t known him at all, all he knew was the obsessed boy who held him at night and was open to be fucked into his sheets for relief.

“What makes you think know me?!” Sykkuno spat, snatching his keys off a startled Corpse and swiftly putting in his keys and unlocking the car at last.

“S-Sy?” Corpse stuttered in shock, bewildered by Sykkunos behaviour.

Sykkuno pulled the car door open and looked back “ You don’t know a damn thing about me Corpse. Not one thing.” Sykkunos voice cracked in the end and he almost cursed as he quickly got into the car and turned the engine on, he ignored the knocking on the window and drove off, leaving behind a stunned Corpse who felt even further stunned by the tears that twinkled in Sykkunos eyes.

“What the fuck?” Corpse spluttered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts! I love seeing your comments, i always feel motivated to write more lol
> 
> Also buckle in, it’s about to get super angsty from now on.

Most people thought Sykkuno was a timid thing that would never consider doing anything wild, and that was true to an extent until Corpse came into his life and with him a storm that trashed everything.

The first time Sykkunno had gone skinny dipping was with Corpse in his backyard pool which Sykkuno should’ve expected considering corpse lived in Southern California, but it was still pretty surprising since Sykkuno never considered corpse willing to do such activities since he had social anxiety, but he guessed the fact that it was happening in corpses private backyard (which Sykkunno could guess cost quite a bit) and everything was in his control he could see how corpse would be okay with it. Sykkuno would be lying if he didn’t feel special.

People never invited him first or even cared to invite him to do anything, it’s only now that Sykkuno realises he had a bad habit of over valuing every interaction and affection Corpse gave because he was a pathetic affection starved idiot, but Sykkuno couldn’t blame corpse, it wasn’t his fault he was bullied throughout his life and just wasn’t good enough to loved by his family let alone others.

When they started stripping, in order to to break the tension (which was stupid considering they had fucked plenty of times), Sykkuno had joked if Corpse had brought him along just for the sake of getting him naked again and Corpse had smirked before stripping down and stealing Sykkunos breath away.

Sykkuno would argue that was the best memory of them.

He had never felt so awed and in love that much in one night. It was just two of them, intertwining limbs and slotted lips underwater as the sun disappeared and the moon hung above them. Sykkuno remembered how breathless he felt as he watched water droplets roll down Corpses shoulder, the droplets glittering under the glowing moon.

In that moment, they weren’t two famous streamers who met through a game, it was just Corpse and Sykkuno. Just them and the moon.

However, everything good had to come to an end.

Just like the sleep that Sykkuno had lost himself to had to come to an end abruptly by an ear splitting alarm, and god that was not helping his thumping headache.

Sykkuno groaned softly before grabbing his buzzing phone and turning off the annoying alarm, it took only a few seconds for him to panic as he realised he overslept and the stream he had promised with Rae was on in 15 minutes.

He nearly slumped over in pain as he got up too quickly, but he pushed himself, almost in a twisted way enjoying the pain that took his mind off everything else, and by the time he had gotten himself to look presentable and turned on everything he needed to, he had realised that Corpse was joining the stream and even though the girl he was dating hadn’t ever joined in he dreaded hearing her in the background, walking around domestically and doing something just like he did on the days that Corpse allowed him to stay over.

Sykkuno knew she would be over because after get-togethers like yesterday, Corpse would only then willingly bring him along to his place to prolong his happy mood throughout the night by tumbling around his bed sheets, afterall who didn’t like a good fuck, and Sykkuno stopped thinking further when he realised she probably wasn’t just a good fuck like he was. She was probably more to corpse

That was another point that irked Sykkuno , he had to beg Corpse to let him stay over at his place the first few months, it had hurt how untrusting he was and seeing how he had allowed this girl to come and go as she willed and it had only been a few weeks since they’ve been together really made Sykkuno bitter.

“Hey guys!” Sykkuno quickly faked a smile as the stream started.

As the stream started to gain momentum and become busy, Sykkuno regretted not taking painkillers as he heard Rae scream into his earphones and irritating his splitting headache, he couldn’t blame Rae and he would never dare ask his friend to quiet down because of his stupid decision to drink himself to a deep sleep.

He tried to quip in with as many jokes possible, always lame as possible becuase Sykkuno was fucking lame clearly, but it seemed everyone had noticed his unusual quiet behaviour except one person of course.

Sykkuno knew the chat was questioning the lack of interactions between him and corpse and well, what was Sykkuno supposed to say when he had been a complete prick to corpse last night because he couldn’t handle his feelings.

Sykkunno was moving towards electricals and nearly backtracked when he realised corpse was standing the corner, clearly AFK (away from keyboard) as his character didn’t move or greet him, instead he could hear quiet mumbling and there.....he heard the familiar sound of a door shutting and the humming corpse would make just like when Sykkuno visited him during a stream to bring him a drink.

Sykkuno panicked as his chat questioned why he was just standing there.

What was he doing?

Honest to god, what the fuck was he doing with his life?

What made him think it was a good idea to come on to stream?

In an abrupt manner, Sykkuno cut off his webcam. He quickly gave an apology to his viewers and went off online.

His eyes caught his phone lighting as it pinged with a message from Rae, it didn’t take a genius to guess what she was going to say.

‘I don’’t know why you went offline but look after yourself, we all understand.’

Sykkuno didn’t bother replying, instead he dragged himself to his bed, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach.

He let himself drift off to sleep, pretending his pillow wasn’t being stained with tears.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

[ FLASHBACK ]

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

On a warm breezy afternoon, the sun was slowly letting go of the sky, the parting between the two painted soft streaks of pink and blues across the baby blue sky, a few stars peeking out already beneath the blankets of colours, the hues of the sunset peeked into the living room, lighting the room warmly. Sykkunno entered the living room with some tea, he set it down on the coffee table, corpse still petting with a grin as he stroked bimbus’ soft fur.

"Can you please move bimbus ?" Sykkuno pleaded. Corpse glanced up with a smirk. Sykkuno glared down weakly with a pout before readjusting his hair.

"No." Corpse replied, stroking bimbus’ back, who was fiddling around in corpses lap, overexcited.

Sykkuno huffed, crossing his arms, he looked down again at Corpse who was sat on the couch comfortably, legs crossed, a dog in his lap, and looking way too smug.

Bimbus, who was sat up on corpses lap with his two paws on corpses jean clad thighs looked up at Sykkuno with his sparkly beady eyes, panting as his pink tongue peaked out before yipping at Sykkunno as if to celebrate his victory.

Sykkuno spluttered, ignoring the pearls of laughter from corpse. Traitor, Sykkuno thought.

"Fine, I'll find someone else's lap to sit in. I’m sure there’s plenty of other attractive streamers to do that with." Sykkuno grumbled and grabbed his bag, throwing an amused corpse one more "bitter" look before turning around to walk off.

Sykkuno yelped as he felt his world tilt backwards, his footing slipping as a hand tugged his wrist backwards. Sykkuno squeaked softly as he landed on something soft. Soft being corpse’s lap.

Sykkuno sighed as corpse tucked his chin over Sykkunos’ head and crossed his arms over Sykkunos torso. The sound of bimbus barking softly accompanied the momentary silence. Bimbus was passionately trying to fight the fake daisies again. The crumpled and ripped plastic daisies beside them evidence of it.

"I would find this cute if you didn't make me feel like a baby when you tuck me in like this." Sykkuno grumbled, trying to feign annoyance.

Corpse smiled softly, moving his chin off Sykkunno’ head and grasping sykkunos chin to tilt the elder boy's head backwards.

Sykkuno let corpse tilt his head until he saw corpses face right above his, their noses softly brushing against each other. A pair of sparkly brown eyes staring fondly into a pair of smouldering brown ones with its hints of gold glowing as the sunset hues peeking through the window shone on his face..

"You are a baby." Corpse whispered, pressing his lips against sykkunos soft pink ones.

Sykkuno sighed contently into corpses mouth, before he could peek his tongue into the kiss he felt corpse nipping at his bottom lip which led to sykkuno giggling and pushing corpse off.

"I-I hate you." Sykkunno tried to say bitterly, but it only ended up sounding fond.

"Oh really now?" Corpse smirked, pulling Sykkunno back into his lap and tightly against his chest. Sykkuno leaned his head back onto corpses shoulder.

Sykkuno shuddered as he felt soft lips on his stretched neck. Corpse was peppering gentle kisses on his neck with no shame, Sykkuno almost felt disheartened that their soft moment was cut short since they were quite rare. Usually Corpse would invite him to hang for a while before fucking and then ending it there, but today he had him over and they had been relaxing nearly half the day with bimbus, it was the rare moments of domesticity that Sykkuno cherished. 

"Thank you, Sy ." Corpse whispered, brushing his nose against the soft skin of Sykkunos neck. Corpse inhaled the scent of faint lavender.

"For what?" Sykkuno smiled with confusion.

"For what you did tonight. I was in a bad place and you came without any second thoughts. You’re too good to me, the care you give its like we’re.....um yeah, anyways thank you, not many people do that for a friend." Corpse finished, his voice crackly.

Sykkuno bit his lip nervously, catching the slip up, ignoring the sizzle at the label friend. Sykkuno felt like his heart would burst into an earth sized ballon.

“Always, Corpse.” Sykkuno whispered. Corpse hummed in reply, biting Sykkunos neck softly causing him to whimper.

"Shh." Corpse whispered, placing a soothing soft kiss on the red skin before pulling away to pull something out.

Sykkuno almost laughed in disbelief. “ You’re always prepared aren’t you?”

Corpse laughed, pushing Sykkuno onto the couch on his back. “ Always”

[END]

And just like that Sykkuno found himself waking up, face dry with tear stains and a heavy heart.

Wow, it seemed like even his self-conscious mind was trying to torture him with good memories that Sykkuno definitely didn’t want to tarnish because of his broken heart right now.

Sykkunno groaned as he stretched realising he had slept in an awkward position as his neck clicked in a disturbing way.

He ignored the pain of hunger and instead grabbed his phone to check his notifications, a few more people on the stream had texted him feeling concerned, but his eyes caught one text, sent by the man of the hour himself.

Corpse: I don’t like whatever is happening between us right now, you’re a dear friend to me, if i did anything wrong please tell me. I want to fix this.

Sykkuno laughed emptily, Corpse hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s just sykkuno who had gone ahead and fell for him when they had promised their arrangement would be a no strings attached sorts, of course Sykkuno wasn’t about to admit that and ruin their friendship.

Sykkuno hated that word, do friends normally know each others deepest secrets that they had sobbed out to eachother, do they know where to kiss and press, do they know what makes each other climb to their heights of pleasure with a few moves. Sykunno was pretty sure friends didn’t entertain each other’s kinks and pretended they were in a relationship.

sykkunno: Hey corpse! No, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve been cool as usual. I’ve just been off lately.

Sykkunno tried to ignore how his heart betrayed him and fluttered when Corpse came online straight away and only took a few seconds to read his text and starting to already reply even though he had sent his first message hours ago.

Corpse: You wanna talk about it? I know you don’t like to, but it’s always made me feel guilty. I get to vent and open up but you never do.

Sykkuno: Don’t worry, I can deal with it myself.

Corpse: Sykkuno....

Sykkunno: You should be more careful, I could hear your date moving around during the stream, i guess you had a nice night.

Corpse: Thanks, Isabelle isn’t used to people streaming and she is a little clumsy at times, its adorable sometimes not gonna lie, but anyways I’ll keep that in mind.

Sykkuno: Okay, I’m going to go now.

Corpse: Sykkuno could you for once not activate your avoidance tactics, it’s so frustrating, i just want to help.

Sykkuno: woah...lol what?

Corpse: i want to help, it’s been more then a year and you still steer the conversation to something else when it comes to yourself

Sykkunno: but it was okay when you did it?

Corpse:....

Corpse: Sy, what is actually wrong? This isn’t like you. You’re not....so, you know, just, can you stop being so passive aggressive?

Sykkunno: you don’t know everything about me

Corpse: could you stop saying that?

Sykkuno: but you don’t, you keep saying this isn’t like you, what is me?

Corpse: i would know more about you if you actually opened up to me. You refuse to, even when I pleaded with you.

Sykkunno: no, I didn’t, what can you even ask me anyway? You clearly weren’t that interested if you managed to sort out a relationship throughout all of it.

Corpse: What has that got to do with anything?

Sykkunno: Sometimes you’re not as observant as you think corpse you know, you don’t have to pretend you care.

Corpse: Okay, you’re actually starting to make me mad Sy. I fucking care. I’m not observant? Really? Trust me i am, but i just chose not to ask about those clearly self harm scars on the back of your thighs, even though i almost felt like fucking crying seeing them.

Sykkuno: what

Corpse: You know we’ve fucked plenty, and I’ve taken you from behind plenty of times, you think i wouldn’t notice? But every time i tried to bring up anything related to that you deflected it.

Sykkunno : I’m not required to tell you anything, whatever, go and spend time with your date or something. 

Corpse: Can you stop bringing isabelle into this and it’s girlfriend by the way, we made it official last night, you would’ve known if you hadn’t left so early.

Sykkuno felt his heart drop.

Corpse: Sykkuno reply

Corpse: Come on, okay, I’m sorry for being so aggressive.I’m just worried.

Corpse: i know you’re reading.

Corpse: Sy... i know it was wrong of me to bring the scars up, but why can we talk about mine but not yours? Why won’t you ever let me help? Or anyone?

Corpse: Sykkunno, I’m really sorry.

Corpse: please answer.

Sykkunno felt sick. He had thought his scars weren’t that obvious but he guessed he was naive if he thought corpse wouldn’t notice at all considering how many times they had gotten naked in front of each-other. He had stopped anyway, as he dwelled he wondered what made him stop?

Sykkunno tried to distract himself from the concerning old pattern of thoughts by replying to his friends texts, reassuring them that he was okay and definitely not heart broken and depressed or that he was falling back into bad habits he thought he had gotten rid of last year.

Sykkuno checked the time and saw it was about 3am. Well, he had slept quite a bit. As he sat up in bed, in the middle of the night Sykkunno really questioned everything. Was all of this worth it ?

He imagined what his life would be like right now if he had never decided to start streaming. He wondered what would've happened if he had taken his parents advice and decided streaming was a waste of time. If he had not met Corpse. If he had not encouraged Corpse into their previous arrangement and instead confessed and hope he’d be enough.

His life would be different, yes, but would he be happier? No.

Sykkunno thought he couldn't of been. As much pain Corpse had brought, he'd also brought happiness. The most happiness Sykkunno had felt, he had never felt so wanted.

It was cold. Even in the late night of a summer day, it was chilly. He was always cold.

He looked across his bed to the empty side. Wearing sweaters and extra shirts under his hoodies did nothing, but it seemed only with the presence of corpse in bed could he feel his whole body warm up with a tingle once again.

Corpse was like another world to him. A world where pain and sadness bleeds away, where he was no longer loser Sykkuno who had to beg for people to befriend him. where all he could feel was the brush of gentle wind, the stroke of warmth on his face of a sun that reflected corpse and of course the lips and hands that caressed his skin, that ignited his heart, where he felt so content because he was someone worthy for once. He wasn’t the scum of the earth.

Corpse was like gravity in this world, he would tilt his world to his and then suddenly Corpse was his world. He felt like the air he breathes in, the glimmer of light he sees in the morning, the peaceful midnights, the golden sunset, and without his daily presence or having him it felt like he was thrown off the cliff, falling back to where he was; under everyone.

Fuck he had really fallen hard hasn’t he? He was gone.

This wasn’t okay.

He wasn’t going to get over it like this.

Seeing Corpse with her....he couldn’t do it, his selfish heart would just not sit calm at the sight of two of them together. Well, at this point Sykkuno had to recover from this as soon as possible, considering corpse had made it official.

Again, it made Sykkuno bitter how it had only a few weeks for Corpse to make things official with her, but it had taken a few months for Sykkunno to convince corpse of their arrangement. Sykkunno refused to continue like this.

He got up and grabbed some fancier clothes, if there was one way to get over someone, it was by a rebound, so with hope and spite Sykkuno got ready to visit a club, one a town away in case anyone recognised him.

He didn’t even think about how late it was and that he was being reckless, instead within half an hour he found himself wriggling through sweaty and drunk bodies and fuck he suddenly remembered he usually didn’t do well in social settings unless he was with friends.

New page, new me, Sykkuno weakly thought, and it seemed his prayers were answered as he bumped into someone and it didn’t take much brain power to realise the stranger in front of him had done it on purpose.

It didn’t take long for Sykkunno to let the handsome stranger to talk him up and before he knew it they were out of the club and stumbling through his apartment door.

Sykkuno ignored how nervous the whole thing made him feel, this wasn’t like him. Sykkunno almost laughed ironically, “Wasn’t like him”, that’s what corpse said, but fuck it, what was him anyway. Sykkuno didn’t like any of what he was throughout his 28 years of living, so maybe it was time he did what wasn’t expected of him.

Sykkuno tried to ignore the buzzing of his phone as the stranger kissed up his neck, Sykkuno groaned again as his phone pinged again and pulled up out his phone from his trousers as the stranger started unbuttoning his shirt.

Sykkuno recognised corpses name and he had only barely read.; “If you don’t answer I’m coming over.” before the stranger grabbed his phone and shoved it aside, and like that, drunken Sykkuno got distracted.

He let the blue eyed stranger strip him, throwing the pieces of clothing to the side as he pushed him onto the bed. He let himself be fucked into the sheets and marked over his neck right where corpse used to leave them.

“That’s not my name.” The guy stated with confusion, panting as he thrusted.

Sykkunno moaned, “W-what?” trying to concentrate through the haze of pleasure.

“You called me corpse babe.” The stranger growled, fucking harder. Sykkuno couldn’t even form a reply as he let himself be pushed into the sheets while breathing out moans. 

A few climaxes later, Sykkuno realised his plan had failed as he laid in bed drifting off to sleep with a stranger beside him warming that side of the bed up, but he didn’t feel any better.

He almost thought he heard a ping again as he drifted into unconsciousness, hoping his mind won’t welcome him with dreams of memories like before.

Sykkunno could only wish he wouldn’t wake up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW; TALK OF SELF HARM IN AN UNHEALTHY WAY 
> 
> Feed me with comments, it is with that energy that i can bestow you more chapters. 
> 
> NOTE; So, there’s a lot of sad shit in this chapter, some people may find the way Sykkuno is falling apart triggering so please proceed with caution. (If you want details, scroll to the end note but potential spoilers, dear friend)

“I mean he’s off for the next few days, so he’s probably gone to his own apartment, he usually doesn’t stay here.” Rae informed Corpse, who nodded, that makes sense, no wonder Sykkuno had cut off contact with all of them since they’re wasn’t really any requirements of his presence but they were beyond just colleagues and corpse refused to let this weird thing between them fester anymore.

“Yeah, but I need to talk to him.” Corpse replied, leading to Rae sighing over the FaceTime.

Toast frowned, “maybe you should give him some space.”

“I want to resolve something first.” Corpse shook his head, “Also , I’m going to take him some soup me and Izzy made, considering how weird he’s been he’s probably not eating properly, i wish he’d just let us help.” Corpse groaned in frustration.

Rae couldn’t even be amused how ironic this was.

She couldn’t even blame poor Isabelle, she was a pretty nice person to converse with and clearly had no idea about the arrangement, though Rae had to admit out of all people Corpse could claim was the most suited to him and definitely the kind of person he was looking for, it was not Isabelle. (Yes, it was Sykkuno, they were all convinced it was.)

Toast deflated, “Okay, tell me how he is, because no one is being fooled by his ‘i am definitely okay’ texts.” Toast glanced over at Rae who moved off screen, palming her face, both of them were frustrated at Sykkunos short and clearly in-genuine replies, but at least they knew why Sykkuno was going off the rails, but that didn’t help how they were literally tied at the hands in terms of resolving the situation and making Sykkuno feel better.

They always knew he was a private person, Sykkuno looked naive and like he would easily spill secrets but he was honestly super hard to get to open up, he was always smiling and joking around, it was easy to forget that Sykkuno had a lot of issues he hid through pretence.

Corpse hummed, agreeing before saying a quick bye and ending the call.

It didn’t help that the one person who knew Sykkuno best was a naive idiot with a whole ton of issues himself. What made them think any of this was a good idea?

“I can’t.” Rae yelled in frustration, wheeling back to her desk, trying to ignore how helpless they were in the face of this situation.

——

Corpse impatiently waited at the door, knocking a third time and at last someone swung the door open— “Who the fuck are you?” Corpse questioned looking up and down at the half naked guy in front of him, still buttoning up his shirt with his jacket slung over.

The guy smiled brightly, “don’t worry about it, tell your lovely friend I’ve left a note for him, he’s a mean Casanova isn’t he, very skilled, although it’d be nice if he moaned my name instead of some weird name like corpse.” The guy vomited out, as if he was talking about an everyday normal conversation with one of his friends. Corpses jaw ticked at the information he was given.

“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’ll have to concern yourself with that, you can take your leave.” Corpse sneered his lip unconsciously, the guy looked bewildered and muttered a long ‘okay~’ and ‘cool voice’ before passing Corpse and exiting the apartment.

Corpse sighed, shutting the door behind him, it was unlike Sykkunno to have one night stands and for some reason it just didn’t sit right with him, and why did he feel weirdly satisfied at the fact that Sykkunno moaned out his name? Corpse guesses Sykkuno had still not recovered from their arrangement, but he would at one point, this was always the plan between them and everything had been going according to it.

“Sykkunno?” Corpse called out, but like he had assumed Sykkunno was still fast asleep when he opened the door to his bedroom.

Corpse sighed taking in the strewn clothing all over the floor, so he placed the soup quietly on the nightstand and quickly picked up Sykkunos clothes and laid them at the end of the bed, just like....just like when they used to sleep with each other. Corpse finally looked over at Sykkuno, feeling a weird unsettled emotion as he took in the hickeys dotted around Sykkunos neck and shoulder from where he was standing.

The sheets pooled at his waist, the long expanse of his back open for view and a bare thigh was sticking out from the sheets and with it the scars that had been the reason for the end of their chat looking right at him. Corpse usually found himself stroking right there but obviously he couldn’t do that now. Not that he would anyway, he just found the whole thing soothing, felt like he was sharing Sykkunos pain or giving some indirect comfort.

Corpse shook his head and instead grabbed the end of the sheet and pulled it over Sykkunos thigh to cover it. He moved to take a seat and felt warm as Sykkuno unconsciously leaned into his hand that was brushing Sykkunos hair off his eyes.

Corpse wanted to help Sykkuno, he wanted to figure out why Sykkuno was being so weird and for once he would help out Sykkunno, he would hold him as he cried instead. Corpse smiled gently when Sykkuno groaned lightly, eyes blinking slowly open, he looked quite dazed before he glanced up and saw corpse, corpse tried to ignore the vibrant hickeys on Sykkunos neck that just didn’t look right to him.

“You’re visiting me in my dreams as well now?” Sykkuno whispered, voice husky from just waking up. Corpse laughed lowly, “Nope, I’m real.” He replied as he moved his hand away. Sykkuno blinked before sitting up and looking around, corpse found the way sykkuno flushed in embrassment adorable as he realised he was basically naked under the sheets polling around his waist.

“What’s with you and me being naked every single time?” Sykkuno joked weakly, pulling the sheet over his chest as if corpse hadn’t peppered kisses and hickeys across that same chest a few weeks ago.

“I’m a committed man now.” Corpse joked back, hating how Sykkuno deflated for a moment but faked a smile, Sykkuno usually was open with his emotions, he normally didn’t put up pretences in front of him.

“Of course, you’re loyal.” Sykkuno replied lowly, he didn’t need corpse to tell him how committed and loving corpse could be.

“Where is he?” Sykkuno deflected the moments of silence between them. He didn’t need corpses answer as he glanced over to the other side of the bed and found a sticky note with a number scratched on it, ”never mind.”

“He left as well huh? God I can’t even keep a one night stand.” Sykkuno muttered under his breath, self-depreciating.

“What?” Corpse asked, thinking Sykkuno had said something.

“Nothing.” Sykkunno replied. He crunched up the note and instead crawled to the other side, wrapping the sheets around his naked body, wincing at how sore he felt.

Corpse sat there awkwardly, watching Sykkuno leave the bed silently, wondering how to start a conversation without it ending up like a mess like their chat had, before corpse could come up with a lame one liner to break then tension, Sykkuno had crumbled to the floor the moment he stepped out of the bed.

Corpse rushed over “Woah, Are you okay, Sy?” Corpse asked with concern, gently holding Sykkuno by the arm and pulling him up to sit on the bed.

“Fine, just sore.” Sykkuno wanted the ground to just open up and swallow him, he knew he shouldn’t have indulged the guy last night so much but Sykkuno for once felt in control of how much he was being used and degraded even if it meant some rough handling it was all in his hands and it got his mind off everything, shaking the thoughts off Sykkuno tried to get up again but winced.

Corpse frowned and unapologetically reached for the sheet—“Hey!” Sykkuno spluttered, freezing as Corpse moved the sheet far up enough to his hips to show finger shaped bruises that looked quite painful.

They both sat in silence for a few seconds, Sykkuno watched as the expression on Corpses face darkened by the second. Sykkuno flushed in humiliation, the look on corpses face made him feel dirty, he roughly pushed away Corspes hand, pulling the sheet down, Corpse clenched his jaw and got up. Sykkuno gulped the lump in his throat down, hoping corpse wouldn’t make any comments. Corpse sighed in defeat.

“Your clothes are on the bed, Do you want me to cook anything for you to have with the soup?” He asked instead taking Sykuno by surprise who fisted the sheets feeling tense, but thankful.

“Are you trying to bribe me with food?” Sykkuno joked as he grabbed his clothes and this time round he slowly got up, going red as he limped across the room to his wardrobe and grabbed a shirt and some boxers, he was way past beyond dressing up properly with Corpse present, his new relationship be damned.

“Uhhh....no?” Corpse croaked weakly, distracted as Sykkuno dropped the sheets in confidence that Coprse doesn’t think he’s experienced before and casually dressed up in front of him. Even though the marks on his body left a bad taste in his mouth for some reason, Corpse could appreciate Sykkunos beauty, and he really wondered, was it normal to be this appreciative of someone in this way while in a relationship? Then again, him and Sykkuno were never normal.

“Right, who made the soup then?” Sykkuno asked, slipping the shirt on and pulling it down.

“Me and Izzy made it together.” Corpse quipped in, Sykkunos previous smile faltered slightly but he maintained it and nodded in acknowledgment.

“That’s nice of both of you. How domestic” Sykkuno whispered the last part bitterly under his breath.

He still felt bitter as they sat down across each other over the kitchen counter top, the soup warmed up by corpse in front him, waving off a pleasant smell.

“I’m sorry.” Corpse cut the silence as Sykkuno quietly sipped on the soup, hating how good it tasted, especially with an empty stomach. Sykkuno stayed silent, letting corpse elaborate.

“I can admit i did get quite defensive and rude, i was kind of frazzled, its like something had happened, and you’re no longer okay and i dont know how to help and it frustrated me so much because you’ve always been hard to read Sy.” Corpse added, unconsciously wiping away the stain at the corner of Sykkunos mouth with his thumb, Sykkuno froze under the touch and sighed, placing his spoon back into the bowl.

“Don’t do that.” Sykkuno stated, Corspes eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Friends don’t wipe food off each others mouth.” Sykkuno explained.

Corpse blinked, “but this is just us.” Corpse replied plainly. “Just...okay, right, i’m sorry too...i have blame in this too and I’m sorry I took out my high strung emotions on you.” Sykuno apologised, “-and the scars...”

“You dont have to explain it to me, it was arrogant and insensitive of me to expect an explanation just because i’ve opened up about my issues.” Corpse intervened.

“No, it’s okay. So, like most people know, you know I haven’t always been the most popular guy or preferred guy to be honest, i got bullied and there was a lot of stuff going on at home, that’s why I’m much closer with my grandma, but um, anyways, it led me to self-harming at one point in my life, but it was never serious you know, i just did it because it felt good, the pain would just overwhelm me and i felt more alive you know?” Sykkuno laughed depreciatingly.

“That sounds serious to me Sy.” Corpse whispered, lips pursed.

Sykkuno shook his head, “I haven’t done it in so long, but moving on from that I’ve just been feeling off because i guess comments are getting to me and I’ve generally been in a slump and it’s just everything piling up onto each other you know.” Sykkuno explained so perfectly, it was so believable Sykkuno almost tricked himself, but corpse took the bait.

It almost hurt Sykkuno how quickly Corpse took the bait, but he couldn’t blame Corpse for not being able to recognise his lies when he never opened up too much.

Sykkuno knew how much of himself he hid away from the people in his life, he knew most people thought he was happy and would not be someone who would be dealing with dark thoughts like suicide, he was good at pretending, so good that during this last year Sykkuno had nearly convinced himself he was good enough and happy, but thankfully corpse had broken that illusion. Sykkuno had never been happy or good enough, he’d just been leeching off others, leeching off their friendship and affection and wasting peoples time.

What value did he bring to the others ? Sykkuno didn’t why he thought he was entitled to wondering why he was never liked or loved when it was clear as day.

“Hey?” Corpse called out softly, and Sykkuno jumped in his seat wondering when Corpse had walked over to his side. He let the younger pull himself into his grasp, arms wrapping around him tightly and a soft kiss pressing into his hair.

Sykkuno let himself indulge in it, let his heart swell in content and warmth even though he felt guilty for lying so openly to corpse, but there was no point, no one could help him, something unworthy was unworthy in the end, he wasn’t about to take up corpses time to complain about why he was so worthless and didn’t deserve corpse, that he had pathetically caught feelings as if he would ever be properly wanted.

Sykkuno knew Corpse had so much to ask and there was a level of suspiciousness but thankfully corpse surrendered and let the serious conversation end there, all words forgiven and promised they would be more transparent.

At one point as corpse washed the bowl with him and the cups they drank from, Sykkuno felt like breaking apart and just baring his soul to corpse for once. He wanted to let the younger man see how fucking broken and stained he was, he wanted for once to not pretend anymore, and as Corpse gave him a soft smile, body in close vicinity as he joked about, Sykkuno was so close until their moment was cut off by the shrill of a phone.

Corpse wiped his hands with the towel and grabbed his phone, Sykkuno watched as his smile grew bigger, “Hey baby.”

Wow, Sykkuno now knows what it feels like for momentary happiness to be literally ripped away from you. Sykkuno wonders if his heart will drop out of his fucking asshole one day because he doesn't think it's healthy how much he feels the dread and drop of his heart in his stomach so deeply, he felt fucking sick.

He struggled keeping the smile on, and he wanted to scream, ‘aren’t you fucking observant corpse? you could see my scars but you can’t detect my fake smiles?’, as corpse smiled back and apologised, saying he had to go. Sykkuno obviously pretended he was dandy with it.

This time, he didn’t indulge in the hug that corpse gave. This time instead of feeling warm, he felt like corpse had taken the last tinges of warmth with him as he moved away and Sykkuno felt the cold biting down so deep.

Sykkuno waved corpse away, keeping on the tight smile till the very last moment until he had closed the door with a click and was shut off form the world, and with that he crumbled to the floor, pushing his back onto the closed front door, sobs wracking through his body. He felt his throat go hoarse as he crunched up into a tight ball, ignoring the tears dripping off his face and onto his wrist.

He just let it go.

He couldn’t cope anymore. He couldn’t do this anymore.

It’s only now, sober and awake does Sykkuno realise how reckelsss he’s been, and it still hadn’t done shit for him because his heart was still tearing itself apart, he still left breathless when he saw Corpse.

He’d been dealing with this wrong. If he couldn’t cope, he’d just have to numb himself, Sykkuno decided, but in that moment he let his heart cry out this once.

Just like that, as if a switch had been turned on, weeks passed by “normally.”

Sykkuno would get up every morning and like a robot with code written in him he would brush his teeth, he would shower, he would eat his three meals a day, he would answer his business calls, he would visit his parents time to time, he would go on stream and make his lame jokes and play with his friends, he would joke around with corpse like everything was okay, he would no longer sit in the corner when he was invited to a hangout where Isabelle was also present, and he found it so easy, just like that.

He should have done this before, if he knew shutting off his emotions would make everything this easy he would’ve done it before, yes, sometimes he would wakeup from this numb mode he lived in and realised weeks had gone by and he hadn’t really lived, it was like he was off asleep, just his body with his face on it was moving around but at least he was being productive and all his friends had backed off. Even corpse, but he just seemed more busy these days with his developing relationship.

The change in Sykkuno didn’t go un-noticed by his friends, all of them noticed that Sykkunos heart wasn’t in anything he did, it was almost scary to interact with Sykkuno.

“It’s like, puns aside, talking to an imposter Sykkuno. He’s like a shell of himself.” Valkyrie pointed out while hanging out with toast, both friends meeting up to share their same concern. Toast nodded in agreement.

“It is like talking to an empty shell, he’s making the jokes Sykkuno makes but it’s just not....him!” Toast hissed in frustration.

“We should’ve discouraged their arrangement, it was looking bad from day one when it looked like only Sykkuno was catching feelings but Corpse...i mean i really thought he was too.” Toast sighed in guilt.

Toast remembered Corpse and Sykkuno coming clean that they were basically friends with benefits with a few more rules and behaviours that went beyond physical friends, they had all been welcoming, afterall they expected this considering the tension between the two, but they all assumed at one point they’d both realise they actually liked each other and would get together seriously, who knew this whole time their arrangement was supposed to be a stepping stone for both of them to get into serious relationships by using each other and learning from the mistakes they do to each other.

It seemed only Corpse had seemed to actually taken advantage of that rule, Sykkuno clearly wasn’t ready to go find someone else when he was clearly stuck on corpse, because of a stupid arrangement.

“Did you talk too corpse about it?” Rae asked.

Toast nodded, “He said they had resolved what they had to a few weeks ago but Sy was being distant. He’s a bit lost himself, I think he’s just overwhelmed as well since he’s juggling his first serious relationship in a long time.”

Rae laughed unamused, “that kinda pisses me off, what was Sykkuno then?”

Toast didn’t reply or comment on it, he honestly didn’t know himself, all he knew was they had to step in now, even if it meant dealing with an angry bitter Sykkuno and potentially affecting the team dynamics and consequently their streams, or he was afraid this could get much worse. They both jumped as the ringing of a phone broke the thoughtful silence they were sitting in.

Toast realised it was his phone and grabbed it, he frowned when he realised it was Ludwig, “ isn’t he streaming ?” Toast whispered, Rae leaned over curiously and confirmed with a nod that Ludwig was live at the moment.

“Hello?”

“Is Sykkuno streaming at your place?!”

Toast frowned and bewildered, looking over at Rae who shook her head, “um, very random, but no, he’s been over at his own place this past week. What is going on?”

“Fuck, that’s not good....just, go on his live , right now.”.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Sykkunos mental health struggle is projection of myself, so this work is sometimes a good place for me to vent but I also know it can be triggering to some people.
> 
> To be clear, the behaviour the character Sykkuno portrays here is not healthy. Switching to this “airplane mode” in order cope is very toxic, and is a very easy way to fall deeper and deeper into the hole that you think you are escaping by ignoring, so if you’re struggling talk please, I’m sure some of you want to *VERY GENTLY* slap sykkuno and tell him to COMMUNICATE, I’m open for anyone wants to talk.
> 
> It is tagged but TW for self-harming in the next chapter. 
> 
> Keep yourselves healthy people, hydrate yourself plenty and eat ur veggies <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self- harm.
> 
> We’re slowly coming to an end.
> 
> Please leave your thoughts and comments, they’re honestly the only things that bring joy to me these past few weeks.

“Are you sure there isn’t anything going on between you two?”

Copse tried to keep in the irritation. 

The past few weeks he had felt off, what with Sykkuno completely ghosting him but also somehow not? It was grating on his well-being and the teams whole dynamic had been off, not to mention he hadn’t being feeling well the past weeks but mainly he felt this simmer of regret pooling in his belly.

He was convinced Isabelle was what he wanted, how they had met was how he had always imagined he’d meet the right person, the way they connected felt so right, but it seems Corpse had done what his fans tended to do. He fell in love with the idea of something rather then the person. He only realised this recently. No matter how warm and loving Isabelle was, every single day there would be something, whether it’s a behaviour, a habit, that would prove Isabelle was not the person he was looking for.

And he hated knowing he might’ve made the wrong choice, but he had done what had always been the plan. He followed it. 

He just had to find someone who he could replicate the arrangement him and Sykkuno had except it would be serious and there’d be romantic attachments, but he’d be proven wrong.

All in all, all of it was grating on his nerves and Isabelles constant and sudden curiosity this week regarding him and Sykkuno was starting to get irritating.

Corpse sighed. “I’ve told you already, No.” The answer sat badly in his mouth, “We just use to sleep together.”

“He seems super nice but quiet.” Isabelle commented. Corpse nodded, Sykkuno was more quiet then usual with Isabelle, he usually tried to welcome strangers as much possible but with Isabelle he seemed to keep a distance.

Isabelle made a concerned sound that caused corpse to look over, “what’s wrong?”

“Um, I think you should pull over.” Isabelle replied, corpse frowned in confusion.

“Why?”

“Sykkunos livestream is trending on Twitter and not for a good reason.”

Corpse quickly turned the car towards the slip road and quickly found a hard shoulder to pull over to.

Before Isabelle could hand her phone over, Corpse jumped as his own phone pinged, he felt his heart drop a little as he read a text from Rae.

‘Corpse, please tell me you’re near Sykkunos place. Go there right now.’

-

Sykkuno was really trying these past few weeks, and he thought it was going well.

After all, can life get any better then this? He was making a LIVING through playing games with his friends. He had friends. 

He was no longer THAT person; the one who was discarded by others, belittled by women and spent his days dreading even his 9-5 job. Life was quite a bit miserable.

That was an understatement. He felt a shiver at the memories of laying in bed, chest empty and body heavy with fatigue and pain, and a brewing spite and hatred for life. He remembered waking up every morning feeling like he had woken up in a dull black and white story that kept repeating itself. 

He had come far from that. Pretending it may but he functioned now. He had less days where he found himself questioning life and the purpose of everything. Less days where he just physically couldn't move from bed, but they still came by, and these days it came back strong, holding up a pretence wasn’t easy,

Sykkuno during tried to avoid the bad thoughts or dealing with himself really throughout his daily life by burying it and pretending, because fake-it-till-you-make-it really worked sometimes, but he didn't expect the moment he had finally been filled to the brim and exploded to be during a live stream.

The day had started out with signs that pointed it was going to be one of those days; he woke up a little late and almost missed a business call and he couldn’t find it in himself to eat even though his stomach was growling. When he had gotten on his stream it had started okay but the hate comments left on the chat bothered him more then usual.

On these days the comments hit more home, it got past his armour when he was vulnerable this time so it didn't take quite long for him to lose it.

He had been playing with the group as usual but evidently his lack of energy and being okay today reflected in his playing as he slowed down everyone. He knew he was, and he was forever grateful the others put up with him.

The thing was he took this very seriously, for most of them this was their living as well as their entertainment. Normally, it would be discouraged to mix both but that's the life of any gamer making money or any digital entertainer on the internet to be honest, so Sykkuno know fucking up held more weight then had it just been a normal game between them, but this was a livestream.

He could see the comments rolling in, the sharp comments that picked apart his weakness and mistakes and humiliated him deeply, he felt like he was flashing back to years ago when people humiliated him face to face and made him feel like the scum of earth and this time it was thousands of people watching.

He could feel himself get worse as his knee started shaking more, bottom lip starting to become raw from biting.

He felt himself close off and make no comments as he finished his tasks.

He felt his throat start to close up as his hands shook and he couldn't get the tasks done fast enough, he could read the comments from the side of his eyes mocking him and belittling him.

And then that comment, the comment that made him freeze up completely he couldn't even react to Lily killing Ludwig right in front of him.

"This guy is such a scam, he can't play for shit and somehow he frauds people into wasting their time watching his stupid useless ass play. He acts so pathetic too. Fcking idiot."

Sykkuno questioned it himself, why did thousands of people tune into watch him? He was frankly, quite pathetic and laughable, his previous life a good example of it.

He didn't fucking know and he knew one day everyone was going to realise it, the fans, his friends, CORPSE, they will realise and abandon him and he'll become one of those gamers that were forever forgotten because people at last realised they were wasting their time with him. He’ll go back to everything he hated. 

Sykkuno breathed shallowly as he realised someone was calling out his name.

It's only then Sykkuno realised he had slumped slightly in his chair, hand grasping at his chest as he struggled to breath. He felt the panic translate into further deep hatred, why couldn't he do anything properly?

He was fucking live. He couldn't even find the strength to read the comments but he could bet it was people commenting the truth; that was a weak pathetic loser.

"-reath,Sy? Hello? Will you able to answer my call? If you can't i will continue to speak to you through here. Listen to my voice, can you take a deep breath for me? " He could hear someone’s voice, but it all felt like it was underwater.

It was only then that Sykkuno realised his phone was buzzing on the table, he tried to reach it but he felt almost paralysed, he had leaned out slightly, reaching out for his phone and he was nearly there but he was paralysed. 

He tried to take a deep breath but couldn't.

He couldn't even do the simple things, why was he so fucking pathetic?!

"I-I c-can't." Sykkuno gasped and he felt panic bloom in him as his vision darkened.

He felt himself crash and give up as he crashed out of his chair, fingers at last touching the phone but instead crashing it to the floor with him.

He writhered on the floor, trying to gasp for air but it just kept getting worse.

He was so done for. He had completely lost it on live. He had ruined the stream for everyone today, this was their livelihood and he had ruined it.

He felt even more pathetic as his eyes teared up in humiliation but he couldn't beat himself up for it as he started slipping in and out of consciousness for a moment, and with it a certain memory played in his head 

“W-We shouldn’t do this in front of everyone.” Sykkuno whispered loudly, blush dusted across his cheeks as he glanced around abashed.

Corpse laughed, eyes scrunching up . "Please, they’re not complaining and look-" Corpse roughly pulled Sykkuno back into his chest "-how perfectly you fit in my lap. It’d be a waste if you sat on a chair, let’s do some charity, it’ll be more space for everyone." Corpse joked seriously.

Sykkuno bit his lip, a deep blush painting across his cheeks even more vibrantly, he was thankful his back was to Corpse.

"Ooooo look at the lovebirds." Rae mocked as she walked into the room, handing a water bottle to Lily who was trying to put together a set up with toast. 

Corpse and Sykkuno who were lying on the sofa looked up. Before Sykkuno could explain, well more like shutter anything, corpse started speaking.

"Yes, are you jealous Rae?"

Rae scoffed "please, i can pull someone if i need to." Placing a water bottle in front of them with a hmph.

"Now Mr. Lovebird shouldn’t you be seducing me?” Corpse joked, waving off an assumed Rae. 

Sykkuno cleared his throat.

"You come here often?" He whispered seducingly.

Corpse bit his laughter back "um I part time live here, specifically your room."

Sykkuno flushed and smiled awkwardly "Yeah, that-that you do.."

Sykkuno felt his heart speed up as he ended up laying on the youngest muscular chest. He found their face inches away. Eyes staring into eachother and Sykkuno felt so naked in corpses gaze.

He felt like if corpse looked hard enough, he would find his soul, bared naked and yearning just for him.

Fuck he's so deep in.

“Clearly I have zero game.” Sykkuno said weakly.

"Oh it's ok Sy, you can have some of mine." Corpse whispered back, eyes flickering down to Sykkunos lips.

"Nah I'm good."

"Are you sure, I'm a complete magnet for chicks and twinks" Corpse cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Please just cos you claim you’ve grown into your nose this year and become even more hot doesn't mean you can pull anyone."

"You love my nose"

"Yeah I do, it's so boopy." 

Sykkuno booped corpses nose. Corpse swatted Sykkunnos hand away.

“Get a room both of you!” Toast screeched, making vomiting noises as he caught both of them flirting, the group burst into laughter as both men became flustered.

Corpse nodded, “Fine.” and pulled Sykkuno together.

Everyone watched as Corpse dragged a flustered Sykkuno out of the living room.

Rae glared at Toast, “I swear to god if I hear-“

Sykkuno last heard before being pushed into his room.

—-

To be honest, Sykkuno must've been dumb. Really dumb. How could he have not noticed those little things that proved there was no future where they existed together romantically, sometimes Corpses soft edges would trap Sykkuno into thinking it could, until at the end of the day he’d end up in bed with him and that would be that. 

Friends with benefits, except too fucking affectionate, enough that Sykkuno had gone and stupidly caught feelings.

Who cared if Corpse left small pecks here and there. Wrapped his arms around his waist and gently brushed his lip on his neck sometimes.

Maybe curled his hand around his waist wherever they were near each other, or brushed his fingers against his thighs or sometimes the curve of his ass.

It was all nothing. Meaningless. Friendly. 

Sykkuno remembers watching Isabelle and corpse, well he could only watch in hurt silence as corpse wrapped his hands around a smiling Isabelle and tucked his chin over her head.

Just like he would do to him once upon a time 

Sykkuno couldn't breathe. He was drowning in this chaos. Nothing was perfect. He was so fucking dumb.

Why did he think things would fall into its place like a puzzle? As if pretending would magically erase everything. How was he so dumb?! Sykkuno wanted to pull his hair out.

He couldn't bare to see everyone, Corpse who would cuddle him on his bad days, who hugged him tightly after his own bad days even though he wasn't a big a fan of skinship, Toast, Rae and all the others who would check up on him, waste their time with him, he couldn’t bare to ruin it all because he wanted to be loved.

He was pathetic. He really was. This was never supposed to happen. He was just supposed to fucking cope with it and at one point he would be okay, this’ wasn’t the first time he liked someone who didn’t like him back. 

He didn't say anything because he wanted to avoid this for one, he couldn’t afford not having corpse in his life at all, Sykkuno had never felt like he belonged so well in a place. 

After years of being outcasted and lonely, he had found a comfortable place with corpse and his friends and streaming, but another reason he wanted to avoid also all of this was this; everyone hurting all because of him. 

Sykkuno shakily sat up and while doing so, pulling out the plug of his PC, knowing his stream would automatically shut off.

He felt like he was drunk, drunk on this numbness as he got up, stumbling towards the bathroom and locking it behind him as if he was back in his parents house, scared to be found looking so broken.

He knew his phone had ringed many times over and he was pretty sure he had ruined the fucking stream and everyone’s day. 

Fine.

Sykkunos face crumbled as self-hate panged in his chest and whimpers scratched up his throat. 

Sykkuno screeched before grabbing the glass holder for toothbrushes and throwing it across the bathroom towards the mirror. Multiple toothbrushes strewn across the bathroom floor along with glass.

Sykkuno watched with a crazy gleam in his eyes as the mirror shattered into many pieces of glass varying in sizes. The glass holder itself breaking into two in even pieces, his eyes tracked towards a bigger piece of glass in the sink. Even from here he could see how sharp the jagged piece of glass was.

Before he could delve further into his thoughts, he heard heavy and fast footsteps and a second later aggressive banging on the door.

"Sykkuno! Open the door!" Corpse yelled, fear wrapped around his voice.

Sykkuno chuckled. What even was his life at this point.

He had nothing if he was being honest. Take last year away, which was due to pure luck and he was same piece of trash Sykunno was, everyone’s time that he wasted, for once Sykkuno wanted to claim defeat against his thoughts, he couldn’t believe his delusion had fell apart so quick because he had a stupid crush on, and everyone knew it except Corpse himself, and now Sykkuno had ruined the whole dynamic of everything.

Sykkuno stepped over the small pieces of glass on the marble floor and picked up the big piece his eyes were on.

"I don't know, I heard glass smashing and don’t call 911 yet-" Corpses voice and his knocks on them door had fallen faint and had blended into the background as Sykkuno stared even more intently at the glass piece.

There were thoughts running wild in his head. Bad thoughts. Sykkuno was scared of himself. For a moment, he felt like he had gone back in time and was the same sad broken boy, sobbing as he used a razor to cut the back of his thighs, double checking the lock on his bathroom door so his parents wouldn’t find him and further realise the disappointment he was.

‘God, what a fucking son you are, why can’t you do shit right’

‘Streaming, really? I thought you had pulled yourself together after your masters degree’

‘Do whatever you want, I don’t care’

‘He wasn’t worth any of what we had to go through’ 

‘Just, I’m sorry sweetheart, i think try to visit less and call me when your father isn’t around’ 

‘I’ll never accept you’ 

‘You are pretty much the most Worthless person I know Sykkuno’ 

‘You actually think I would like someone like you.’

‘Just because you weren't happy, did you have to make others unhappy.’

‘God you're dumb, what a fucking asshole.’

Sykkuno could faintly hear familiar voices between his own demonic thoughts. 

This must be what it feels like to drown. He felt like he was a hundred miles under the ocean and yet miles away from it. It felt like he was underwater. The muffled voices, the pressure around his head, the languid movements of everything.

"He won't open the door!" Corpse screeched.

Corpses cry seemed to have snapped Sykkuno back into reality and above the water he was drowning in. Sykkuno gasped before dropping the glass back into the sink. He watched as the thin cuts on his palm from holding the glass piece so tightly welled up with blood. He stared in horror as blood droplets rolled off his palm and onto the floor.

What the hell was he doing?

Sykkuno hurriedly stepped away from the mess on the floor, his sudden movement causing splish and splashes of blood to fly everywhere, some hitting the wall and some hitting the bathtub.

Sykkuno felt vomit climbing up his throat instead of petals this time. The more he took in the scene in front of him the sicker he felt ; glass pieces glinting from every square, and of course drops of blood decorating the whole mess.

"Sy, open the fucking doo-"

Sykkuno unlocked the door before moving away as Corpse practically fell in.

Corpses eyes widened in shock at the mess on the floor before his eyes snapped to a shaking Sykkuno.

Corpses eyes flickered over his body and noticed his palm. Well, more like the blood dripping down his palm.

"Sykkuno, what the fuck?"Corpse shrilled. Sykkuno mustered the barest of flinches.

“Corpse, is everything oka-Oh my god!”

At the new voice, Sykkuno glanced up and felt tears sting in humiliation when he saw Isabelle standing near the doorframe , a hand over her mouth and eyes wide.

“Izzy, i told you to stay in the car.” Corpse snapped, throwing a guilty look to Sykkuno, he knew he would not be comfortable about her seeing him like this.

“S-sorry, I heard yelling...let me, um, I’ll bring the first aid kit!” Isabelle stuttered before rushing out the room.

Corpse quickly pulled Sykkuno out of the bathroom who stayed silent through it all as Corpse pushed him to sit on the bed.

"Wait here."

Corpse then left.

Sykkuno sat in the dark room and listened to the conversation occurring outside.

“Go back to the car please.” 

Sykkunos hands clenched into a fist trying to ignore how he felt like he was intruding.

Sykkuno glanced down at his slashed up palm. He could see streaks of blood in every direction.

For some reason, he felt the urge to press on the vertical wounds, and he wanted to pull the skin around it, look well into the inner structure of the wound.

"Sy?" Sykkunos head snapped up.

Corpse was stood there one hand on the door handle and the other holding a first aid box, but most importantly his eyes were focusing on his palm and where one of his fingers were presssed against his wound.

"Hey."Sykkuno smiled gently, pulling his finger away quickly.

Corpse smiled back weakly before setting the first aid box on the floor, getting on his knees and pulling Sykkunos hand into his.

They both stayed silent as Corpse skillfully looked through the aid box and took out some creams and bandages. Sykkuno watched with fascination as Corspe treated his wounds so quickly and perfectly, as if he'd done this before.

Sykkuno felt a pit in his stomach at the thought of Corpse learning to bandage wounds like this because of familiarity, but decided not to ask, this wasn't the best moment to ask anyway.

"Sy, you said you don’t.....why?" Corpse whispered, as he finally ripped off some tape and attached the end of the bandage securely to the rest.

"I don't know." Sykkuno replied honestly. He actually didn't know.

He didn't know anything. Honestly, he feels like he's been living through someone's eyes for the past month and two, nothing had been okay since he realised he had feelings for Corpse and that no it wasn't just a stupid crush or sexual attraction, he was well past self denial. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

He felt guilt slice into him as he noticed Corpses shaking hands trying to cut the bandage and a sheen to his eyes.

"Corpse....I'm so sorry." Sykkuno croaked out, squeaking as corpse grabbed his hand and pressed his lips gently onto it.

"C-corpse?" Sykkuno stuttered, completely flustered but also concerned. He watched as the younger cradled his palm gently, as if it was a priceless Chinese vase.

Sykkuno felt his heart erratically beat faster as beads of tears dropped onto his palm, seeing Corpse cry was one of the most heart breaking things to see, so Sykkuno couldn’t help but tear up because, wow, look at all this pain and tears he was causing. He was so fucking undeserving.

"Wait, Wait don't cry baby." Corpse whispered, pulling his hand away to pull Sykkuno into a hug. Sykkuno felt more tears sprout at the nickname, he hadn’t heard corpse using it towards him in so long.

"I'm so sorry." Corpse whispered beside his ear. Sykunno forced the shiver down his spine to be discreet as possible. Damn, Corpse and his hoarse voice.

"What are you sorry for?" Sykkuno questioned, hand gently stroking the back of the head of the Younger.

"I feel like since me and Isabelle have started dating, I've distanced myself away from you massively, and we used to be the tightest and if I hadn't indulged myself so much into my relationship, if I didn’t let you distance yourself knowing something was wrong, I might've realised my dearest friend was suffering this much." Corpse whispered, arms wrapping tighter around Corpses waist.

Desarest friend , damn the friend zone again. 

"Corpse, you're not responsible for any of this." Sykkuno is such a big liar.

They both stayed silent for a few moments, instead they just hung on each other, absorbing each other's warmth and inhaling each other's scent.

"Scratch that...I was suffering from so many things and yet you helped me while dealing with this. You saved me while you were suffering the same thing. That was so selfish of me to ask you and I-"

"Corpse, that has nothing to do with it. Don't feel guilty for that. You're my...best friend , of course I wanted to help you regardless of my situation." Sykkunno giggled weakly as he rubbed corpses tears off, bopping his nose after that. Corpse chuckled wetly.

“Sorry somehow I made this abut myself. Are you....do you wanna talk about what happened in the bathroom?” Corpse whispered, thumb stroking over Sykkunos hand.

Sykkuno shook his head. “It was just a slip up, it doesn’t matter.”

Corpses thumb stilled.

“You cut yourself Sy.” Corpse stated, Sykkuno felt his shackles rise up.

“Let it go corpse.” Sykkuno pleaded, feeling overwhelmed as he couldn’t pull away since Corpse was bandaging up his palm.

“I’m not letting it you. You’re crazy if you think I will. If you don’t want to talk to me, who do you want to talk to? Your parents? I can-“

“No!” Sykkuno cut off. He would never talk to his parents about this.

Corpse exhaled in frustration.

“Talk to me.” Corpse pleaded.

Sykkuno stayed silent, corpse growled in frustration, roughly wiping his tear tracks.

“I’ll give you what you want, whatever it is, i’ll try my best.” Corpse pleaded again.

Sykkuno chuckled unamused, it ticked corpse off. Did Sykkuno not realise how dire and serious this situation was 

“You can’t give me what i want.” Sykkuno stated emptily.

Corpse clenched his jaw.

“Well, what do you fucking want Sy?” Corpse cried.

Sykkuno couldn’t help it, once he looked into the angry blazing eyes that use to be loving and peaceful, he just let it spill. He didn’t care anymore.

“Fine, I want to be fucking happy for once! I want to be unapologetically happy with myself. I want to be worthy just by myself, not because of you, other people, my work, money, fame, I just want ME to be enough. I want to stop feeling like I’m the dirt under everyone’s shoe. I want to wake up and feel like I matter...that’s what I fucking want.” Sykkunos voice cracked, moving to leave the room.

Corpse leaped forward, grabbing sykuunos wrist.

“Okay wait, listen, how can I-“

Sykkuno snatched his wrist away, pushing his guilt away as Corpse flinched hurtfully.

“You know what I don’t care anymore, you what to know what i want corpse?” Sykkuno yelled, his voice cracking.

Corpse glared, “what do you fucking want Sykkuno, i will-“

“I want you!” Sykkuno screeched, the room falling silent after. Sykkuno took in Corpses stunned expression and he continued, knowing if he stalled anymore, none of this would come out anytime soon. “I came to care for you, like you and then fucking love you. That arrangement since the beginning, it was only that just for you. It was never just that for me.” Sykkuno croaked in the end.

Corpse exhaled shakily, still stunned to the core.

“It was always just that for you wasn’t it?” Sykkuno stated with a crack.

The room stayed enveloped in silence.

Sykkuno laughed, “see? You can’t give me what i fucking want”

Sykkuno looked over to the doorframe, Isabelle stood there with corpses jacket in her hand, her whole face covered in shock but her eyes held a knowing glint.

“You should’ve left it.” Sykkunno whispered as he stalled for a moment beside corpse as he passed him.

Seeing there was no response, Sykkuno left, ignoring both of them.

For a moment, he felt freed, high and weightless,

But you know what they say, the higher you go, the more the fall will hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you find it?
> 
> Happy or sad ending?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the last chapter (another alternative ending may be added later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I don’t want to spoil anything so read the end note :)
> 
> Enjoy :)

“Corpse?” Isabelle called out hesitantly.

Corpse tried to still his trembling hand, he looked up at Isabelle and in that moment he ripped down the layers of masks and lies he had convinced himself of.

He looked at Isabelle and really tried to understand how she made him feel, she made him feel comfortable, warm and happy but as he thought back to Sykkuno and his tear tracked face, bloodshot eyes as his trembling voice that trembled with anger and hurt.

Corpse doesn’t think he’s heard Sykkuno sound so anguished.

Corpse was stupid.

He had thought he could compartmentalise love, make it into something that was so simple through identifiers and categories and god, he had been proven so wrong, because maybe the way sykkuno makes him feel wholly content, how his skin buzzes with the brush of his hand, how his heart beats like a frantic bird trying to escape a cage was what was right, he had thought excitement and so suffuco was immature.

He had the wrong idea. He should’ve never fooled himself by what other people’s standards were. He thought the relationship he needed was calm and serene, if it had that, that was it right? That’s what people wanted. That was required for a long term relationship

No, it’s passion. Now corpse realises, the way his blood boils under his skin, the way his chest tightens sometimes and the way he would feel his stomach pull so much he almost felt sick, that’s what was love. That’s what people chased. Passion.

“Corpse?” Isabelle called out again, snapping corpse out of his train of thoughts.

Corpse gulped, looking into warm green eyes that had done nothing but been kind and giving. 

Isabelle blinked and her face fell slightly, as if she had understood already.

“Izzy, I-“

“No. It’s okay. I get it.” Isabelle smiled sadly.

Corpse felt his heart break at the hurt he had caused a person who had nothing but been there for him, his self hatred pumping in.

Corpse walked forward and pulled Isabelle into his arms and placed a soft kiss to her temple.

“We will talk later at home. Go after him, he doesn’t look good.” Isabelle whispered.

Corpse tried to bury the nauseous feeling of guilt as he heard her cries once he had left the room.

With that he took a deep breath in, determination filling him.

—-

Sykkuno tapped his fingers against the leather wheel, he couldn’t be bothered over the smears of blood.

Instead he emptily gazed out the window as he drove to his parents.

He jumped as his car was filled with the sound of a phone ringing, he had forgotten he had connected his calls to his cars too.

He could see it was Toast from the corner of his eyes but for some reason he couldn’t find it in himself to answer. Not in this state. 

He rejected the call.

Instead he numbingly speeded down the highway, going on auto mode as he followed the familiar route to his parents household. 

He hadn’t been for years but the roads and curves felt familiar, before he knew it Sykkuno slowed down at the last stops, surprised at how quick he had reached his parents house. 

The house he had been kicked out of, a place that was stained with bad memories but good memories made it bearable to look at. It’s only becuase of those good memories can Sykkuno take coming back here, to knock on the door once more, asking to be enveloped in his mothers hug for once.

Sykkuno shut his car door gently before approaching the front porch, he couldn’t even feel nervous, it seemed his numbness had spread to every corner of him so without thinking he knocked on the door.

One minute.

He knocked again.

Two minutes.

He knocked again.

Sykkuno exhaled shakily before pulling out his phone and dialling his mother, he put the phone to his ear as it rang and with it he came closer to the door and he could very clearly hear ringing from inside the house. 

His mother was inside. 

The ringing cut off abruptly and with it Sykkunos call ended.

Sykkuno stared at the white door, he glared numbly at its gold decorations and chipped paint he use to stare at as a kid while he waited for his mum to open the door to then usher him into his room so his father wouldn’t throw a fit at seeing his face.

With that, Sykkuno fucking broke.

What had he done so wrong to be born into the skin he was? This family, the hurt, then whole fucking world hating his existence...

“Why was i fucking born?!” Sykkuno suddnely screeched at the door, voice cracking as tears stung his already red rimmed eyes, he slammed his hand against the door. “Why mum?!”

“What’s the fucking point if all it gave me was this bullshit of a life?” Sykkuno trembled, “I want a fucking break!” Sykkuno sobbed, shoulders shaking.

“Am i that unlovable?” He croaked.

“Mum.” Sykkuno cried softly, hand pressing against the door, “please let me in” he croaked choking on tears.

Sykkuno slowly dropped to the floor against the door as sobs wracked through his shaking body.

He didn’t notice Corpse sitting in his own car a few metres away from his own car watching with a pinched face.

Corpse grimaced at the screams...how did Sykkuno live so kindly and softly when life had dealt him with such rough cards? Corpse had always thought he had lived through some fucked up sturff, he never assumed Sykkunos demons could be as biting, but as he saw the boy who had nervously and politely greeted him first time they met, breakdown on his own parents porch, twisted words spilling out of his mouth, his thoughts so clear and understandable to corpse, in that moment corpse wanted to beat himself up for making stupid assumptions, he had done what he criticised others for doing.

“I’m such an idiot.” Corpse muttered under his breath. 

He didn’t interrupt Sykkuno. He decided to watch Sykkuno tire himself into lulling off as the sky turned into midnight blue, corpse thinks this is probably the first time Sykkuno let it all go, so he would let Sykkuno relieve himself of his pent up emotions as much as he wants.

After noticing the elder had stilled enough to indicate he had dozed off, corpse quietly left his car, he moved to his passenger seat, opened the car door and he took off his leather jacket and approached the shaking sleeping Sykkuno.

Corpse squatted to Sykkunos level and felt his heart shatter as his eyes tracked the tear tracks still drying in Sykkunos sleep. Gently and slowly he placed his own leather jacket on top of Sykkuno, heart warming as Sykkuno unconsciously leaned into the touch, he then gently picked Sykkuno up bridal style, hoping the elder had fallen to a deep asleep.

Corpse successfully placed Sykkuno into the passenger seat, gently placing his face against the seat edge to lay into, he adjusted the jacket on top of Sykkuno before closing the door and moving back into the drivers seat.

Corpse quickly shot a text to a friend that he was pretty sure still worked in a garage and requested to see if they could tow or drive sykkunos car back to his address, if not corpse would do it himself tomorrow, that’s if Sykunno doesn’t freak out, corpse thought as he glanced at Sykunno breathing softly beside him.

He frowned as Sykkuno flinched in his sleep. 

They had a lot to work through .

-  
Corpse really shouldn’t have underestimated Sykkuno. It seems at every turn Sykkuno did soemthibg unexpected, truly living up to the being the wildcards corpse thought he was.

Corpse had thought about it all night, as he watched Sykkuno sleep in peace he really valued his thoughts and feelings, because he hadn’t been true to himself and he had nearly fucking up a lot of things.

Fast forward a week later and it was complete radio silence from Sykkuno, even somehow finding excuses to not join streams with him in it. 

Fans and people in general who were already concerned for the live panic attack Sykkuno had on stream were now even more worried, Corpse had already seen speculations and conspiracy about him and S ykkuno and some of them were too close to the truth for his own comfort.

Everyone was kind of ignoring it, hoping it would sort itself out, but Corpse patience had run thin.

-

“Oh! Hey corpse!” Valkyrie replied nervously.

“Hey guys.” Corpse replied tiredly.

“Sykkuno can i talk to you real quick?” Corpse asked calmly, trying not to let in the anger seep into his voice, he watched as Sykkunos jaw ticked, and he knew their fury would be matched.

“Sure, Corpse!” Sykkuno chirped, the stream going mute and Sykkuno leaving the peripheral of the camera.

Corpse jumped as his phone rang and quickly picked it up.

He tapped accept without any hesitation, he had expected hurtful words, some yelling or hissing, but he didn’t expect the shaky breathing coming from the speaker.

“Come to rub salt into my wounds?” Sykkuno joked coldly and quietly.

Corpse tensed up, “I’m not that kind of person and you know it Sykkuno.” 

Sykkuno didn’t reply.

“Why are you avoiding me? Have you seen what people are saying?” Corpse continued, nerves prickling at the lack of response.

The silence befell them again for a good few moments before it was cut by Sykkuno again, “Why did you come to find me?” 

Corpse stayed silent for a moment, annoyed at Sykkuno avoiding the questions but he decided to jump right in.

“I broke up with Isabelle.”

Corpse held his breath in as a shaky exhale sounded through the phone.

“Why?” 

“I decided to be honest with myself.” Corpse answered softly.

“Honest?” Sykkuno questioned.

“When we first met i was attracted to you and you were also very sweet but you had an edge that i also craved in my past relationships. I thought that edge was somethingi had to avoid-“

“I can’t do this.” Sykkuno cut him off, voice shaky 

“What?” Corps’s responded in confusion.

“It’s late, at this point i dont think anything can convince me you like me enough to love......me. I don’t win corpse. I always lose out. That’s how its supposed to be.” Sykkuno chuckled weakly 

“Sykkuno-“

“Just give me space.” Sykkuno cut him off again.

They both sat silent for a few moments, they both knew it was an empty promise.

“For how long?” Corpse still asked weakly, hurt peeking through.

“I dont know.” 

“Will we still talk?” Corpse pushed, desperately trying to cling onto something.

Was corpse really going to let go like this?

“I don’t think we should.’ Sykkuno whispered.

“Oh.” Corpse whispered.

He slowly pulled the phone down once the long monotone beep of Sykkuno hanging up rang through.

He failed in keeping his tears at bay, what made him think this would be a fairytale ending?

Life wasn’t like that.

-| 3 years later |-

Corpse exhaled shakily, his breah condensing in the cold air and flushing his cheeks red. 

“You’re gonna be good?” Rae whispered, hand squeezing Corspes shoulder in comfort.

Corpse stared in tear filled brown eyes before nodding, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

Raes hand slipped off after squeezing one last time. Corpse gathered his courage.

He walked across and towards the man he had longed for so long, the man he watched slowly distant himself from him and slowly everyone.

Corpse halted near Sykkuno, clenching his trembling fingers into a fist.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Corpse accused, voice shaky and thick with tears.

Corpse tried to breathe in the cold air of winter to try and calm himself, to disperse his overwhelmed state but he failed.

“Three years. Three fucking years, I waited and waited and I gave you my heart at one point.” Corpse cried.

Anger, guilt, hate all brewing up and finally chasing an explosive reaction.

Corpse let the sobs slip through his mouth and wrack through his body.

Corpse ripped off the picture pinned to his black blazer and glared down at the grave with tears eyes.

“You should’ve let me in, cos fuck sykkuno, i’m still so pathetically in love with you-“ Corpse croaked, “-so please handle my heart gently from now on.” Corpse cried, fingers brushing against the cold stone headstone.

Corpse almost didn’t want to let go, he felt like if he would he would disconnect but Corpse knew there was one thing that would forever connect them both.

“I don’t think anyone will have it except you.” Corpse whispered, the wind brushing through his locks made tears sprung in his eyes, it almost felt like Sykkuno when he used to soothingly brush his fingers through his hair locks.

“No one.” Corpse confirmed, forehead pressing against the headstone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know there was a mix of sad and happy ending requests.
> 
> I do have a happy ending half written up that I might add later to this story but I don’t know when, until then it’s a sad ending.
> 
> Sorry, sometimes ending things badly seems more real you know?
> 
> Anyways I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts!!!


End file.
